I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
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Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Sunday
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.