Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
March 16
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
More like Kate Missington.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name