hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
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boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
what the
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
3% human
97% stress
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?