Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
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Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.