If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
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Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.