@Douchekevin: If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you'd hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: That guy is a bad apple. 6-year-old: He's a person. Me: I just meant he's mean. 6: Probably because you called him an apple.
@rockymomax: WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
@AimeeHelene1: Him: If you're waiting for me to apologize... Me: No...no...I'm just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.