@Douchekevin: If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you'd hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.
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@SteveStockmanTX: The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out.
@VaguelyFunnyDan: When I saw "likes music" on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
@WritePlay: Wife: I can't find my phone Me: Want me to call it? Wife: Sure, I - Me: PHONE, HERE BOY