Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
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I feel this so hard
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
the dark web is just a goth google.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony