If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
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I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
🙁
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas