If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
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replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
the Monday after daylight savings
Spring of Deception
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.