If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
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God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.