@GibJimson: If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it's because I have drugs missing.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you? Me: Marriage is complicated. 4: Is it because you’re stupid?
@AndyAsAdjective: Wear green for St Patty's Day! You don't wanna get punched! -You mean pinched [flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier] It's pinched?
@ImaFlyontheWall: Me: I'm sorry Aquaman, but talking to fish just isn't a super power. Aquaman: oh yeah? *squints* a dolphin scoots to my car and shits on it