@GibJimson: If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it's because I have drugs missing.
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@NotARatsAss: My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.
@awordforaword: "Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving" "Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids"
@TheToddWilliams: [backstage at GOP debate] AIDE: Mr. Trump needs his hair. CAT: I'm puking as fast as I can.
@Cravin4: Son:Dad's trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet? Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien