If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
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I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Dishonest mechanic?
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.