If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
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Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.