If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
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PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
black phone good
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I used to be married, but I’m better now
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?