@LeahTiscione: If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I'm dead and someone is wearing my skin
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@GeorgiaSweet20: Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready. Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
@CerebralWreck: Lawyer: why do you want a divorce? Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly. Me: it's not my cup of shoes, Linda!
@PartyBitchKayla: advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
@bornmiserable: Guys who say there's a party in their pants are probably referring to search parties.