@LeahTiscione: If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I'm dead and someone is wearing my skin
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@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "Do you want to watch Batman Forever?" Me: "I'll watch it for a couple of hours." Wife: "I hate you."
@Home_Halfway: "Do you know how fast you were going?" 75 in a 55. I'm sorry officer. "Get out of the car." *Cop cuddles driver* "Stop doing this. I worry."
@pleatedjeans: [Shark Tank] an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm Sounds dum- It's called the Alarmadillo OMG SOLD