@LeahTiscione: If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I'm dead and someone is wearing my skin
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@ojedge: [on a first date] "Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year."
@BijersSunbird: Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I'd be doing horoscopes. Yes. Leo: You will be written out of someone's will.
@NotARatsAss: My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.
@thatUPSdude: Her; My phones dead let me use yours Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home