If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
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I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
The Punning Dead.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Oh yeah that’s it
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…