@oxygenplug: if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it's really easy
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@MartaEffing: I hate when I'm cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I'm just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.
@snmrrw: Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the "Ras" and slipping back into Russian politics.
@Lexiedeadpool: That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
@stevevsninjas: Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this? Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!