if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
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Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I’d … I’d rather not.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.