I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
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christening a ship with an overripe banana
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you