imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
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When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Google Pay be like:
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn鈥檛 home yet.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Would you wear it?
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
hey boy 馃槈 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren鈥檛 supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn鈥檛 eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where鈥檚 Adam?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.