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What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee