Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
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I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
This 4th of July, please remember…
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
A French press is when you hug naked
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles