@rachelmillman: if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
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@superdadatron: My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...
@heyevergreen: if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
@charliedelta7: I like taking my cats out for a drive to show them roadkill so they know what will happen if they ever leave me.