if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
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[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.