@badAzz_mom: If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you're talking to someone else on the phone.
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@Mr_Kapowski: I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts
@dafloydsta: [therapy] HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room? ME: I don't like to talk about him ELEPHANT: Ok wow I'm like right here man
@Reverend_Scott: [school] Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy? "Abolishing slavery." And... "Slaying vampires." Very good.