If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
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Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Wait a second…
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks