@Jarhead44: If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
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@FrazzleMyGimp: WIFE: I want a divorce. ME: Is it because of my small wrists? WIFE: Yes. ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
@jannable9: Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I'm married and not allowed to make decisions.
@: This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
@iamchrisscott: A good comeback when someone doesn't believe you're a time traveler is "Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral."