If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
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I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI