@Jarhead44: If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
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@MarfSalvador: [swimming pool] me: do you have family changing facilities? clerk: yes we do me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
@roostermustache: [in catholic church] Me: can i make a confession Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU
@wickedsuga: Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing herself immediately after I pet her.