If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
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5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I put the hot in psychotic.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
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Me: Same.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.