If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
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This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*