A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
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Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.