Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
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Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.