dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
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When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn