@Michael1979: If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
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@errdayhustlah: Whenever people say "don't judge me" I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear. *whispers* Judged you.
@Jay_FrickinLynn: [Giving a toast] "It was when I was entering blackout that I realized I forgot the Plan B at home. Happy 1st birthday, you little accident."
@QwertyJones3: Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it's cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
@anhonestmess: A popcorn necklace is a nice way to tell someone you want them to be attacked by birds.