@Kyle_Lippert: If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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@jergarl: My 7yo has a friend over and I'm pretty sure he learned how to whisper during a hurricane.
@kelkulus: I'm stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying "utilize" and "leverage" and I'm wondering if I should tell him about the word "use".
@MarfSalvador: Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee? Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don't look anything like a cup of coffee
@bobbiejo448: Marijuana does have an adverse effect on my spelling skills. It's to the point that Google even knows when I'm high.