@Kyle_Lippert: If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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@RoosterMustache: ME: want anything for breakfast? BOSS: just banana [struggling to hold office door shut] ANA: let me in! ME: sorry boss said to ban you
@SomthinBoutSara: Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
@MomofTeen: When emails tell me to "Act Now!," I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.