@GrowlyGrego: [First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
@CornOnTheGoblin: ♫ she's just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they're everywhere ♫
@Tommytoughstuff: [briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak...
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
@SCBamaMan: I'll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
@Sassafrantz: [public restroom]
Me: We'll have to go some place else, it says "unavailable"
Mom: Even the toilet found someone before you
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