If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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BRO LMFAO
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.