@RoosterMustache: ME: want anything for breakfast? BOSS: just banana [struggling to hold office door shut] ANA: let me in! ME: sorry boss said to ban you

@SomthinBoutSara: Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

@WilliamRodgers: It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it...

@MomofTeen: When emails tell me to "Act Now!," I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

@AristotlesNZ: Whenever I'm picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell "Come with me if you want to live!" so she knows she married pure awesomeness