@GrowlyGrego: [First date] DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself. ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow. DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting? ME: It’s not my arm.

@CornOnTheGoblin: ♫ she's just a small time girl workin at Jurassic Woooorld opened a raptor cage now they're everywhere ♫

@Tommytoughstuff: [briefing] CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak... CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up) CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation. CP: (slowly sits back down)

@SCBamaMan: I'll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

@Sassafrantz: [public restroom] Me: We'll have to go some place else, it says "unavailable" Mom: Even the toilet found someone before you