If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Hotels are back
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Life is a suicide mission.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.