a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
You Might Also Like
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I think about this a lot
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.