@WhiskeySoured: If you feel like you're going through a rough patch, just remember that it only lasts through adulthood.
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@Midgetspar: I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
@LoveNLunchmeat: "Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today." My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
@david8hughes: [son's football game] Other dad: which one's yours? Me: I can't remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
@BritishNicx: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.