In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
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FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I鈥檓 really over it.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
A short story of betrayal:
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
my idea of a perfect crime? I鈥檒l show you
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Kids forever killing vibes 馃拃
Urinal cake? Nah, that鈥檚 a pisscuit
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
My husband when I ask him a question while he鈥檚 standing next to me: Sorry, I didn鈥檛 hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I鈥檓 not making anything else
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
[at the mall]
Woman: I鈥檝e lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I鈥檓 not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don鈥檛.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.