@WhiskeySoured: If you feel like you're going through a rough patch, just remember that it only lasts through adulthood.
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@WritePlay: *walking into our new house* ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home? HER: *giggling* OK *later, flinging holy water* ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
@poe927: Her: You should drink in moderation Me: Moderation?You makin words up? H: You're gonna piss on my lawn again aren't you? M: ...In moderation
@LaziestCanine: [sprains my ankle] Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it? Me: Let me check Me: [to ankle] c'mon dude try it, it's only one cigarette
@_SingleBabyMama: Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says "open wide" & starts making airplane noises* Guy: *stunned silence* -Single Mama on a date