If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
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Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
How animals would run if they were human
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.