If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
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I think they could have phrased this better
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
yea so i messed up lol
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!