If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
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UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS