if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
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No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
hey, alexa
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day