If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
You Might Also Like
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
podcasts
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw