If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
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You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.