If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
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What in the hipster hell is going on here
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u