“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
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friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.