@WilliamAder: If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I'm gonna need those back.
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@claire_mudie: If by "flexible" you mean "can I get my foot behind my head?" then yes, I am. If you mean "can I get my foot back down?" then no, I am not.
@ShutUpThatsWho: COWORKER: how old is our boss? ME: cut him in half & count the rings CW: doesn't that only work on trees? ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE'S 38
@WickedDarkEyes: If you haven't used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you're not me.
@joejwest: DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo? ME: [from the kitchen] No DATE: Oh. What's for dinner? ME: A suspiciously large chicken