Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
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Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.