If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
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I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.