If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
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a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
This hospital has everything
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.