If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
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I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
work smarter, not harder
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…