When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
You Might Also Like
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
So creative 😂
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?