Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
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Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Lmfao
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh