I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
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I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.