@iwearaonesie: "If you get me to the next station I promise I'll never let you fall below half a tank again" - A Memoir
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@Izianikapani: Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we'd even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
@dshack8: "I'll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself." Drunks and 1 year olds.
@lemmywinkler: Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"