@iwearaonesie: "If you get me to the next station I promise I'll never let you fall below half a tank again" - A Memoir
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@LoveNLunchmeat: [reading online survey] Are you ready to double your satisfaction? My god this sounds wildly inappropriate. *clicks yes*
@LOsepyan: When someone says "surprise me", I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.
@david8hughes: [baby wakes up in the middle night] "Go back to sleep, hun. I'll sort it out." [puts baby on eBay]
@NourHadidi: Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.