@iwearaonesie: "If you get me to the next station I promise I'll never let you fall below half a tank again" - A Memoir
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@DannyZuker: My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them.
@DurtMcHurtt: [first day as a pharmacist] CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn't working. ME: *leans in close* that's cuz you're not an ant..
@SteveSuckington: "How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
@imdaintyaf: I'm so incapable of accepting a compliment that I've started just flat out refusing them. Them: You look lovely today. Me: No thank you.